Earth Babies Blog

Birth Story – names changed.
Natasha Rieder, birthing Jade

19th January 2009
Sleep last night was poor due to overactive /negative mind getting angry, sad, frustrated, disappointed, and more, about the fact that nothing has happened – no birth – and that the time pressure factor was going to kick into play. I couldn’t see how I could possibly land back in the situation of having another c-section. Surely the Universe, you (Little Jade) and my body could give me the one thing I want to experience – natural childbirth – considering how much I invest in parenting consciously and with awareness?

23rd January
As you can see Monday the 19th was an emotional day – I was tired from lack of sleep, feeling pressure due to time and generally very ‘the hell in’ and not interested in doing anything to induce labour anymore as it clearly wasn’t doing much. I wasn’t yet ready to give in to a c-section and have one booked, but I was tired of trying too hard and pushing too much. I almost even cancelled my ante-natal visit with Gladys cos I felt even that was too much involvement. But I went – I’m still a responsible mother & wanted to check Little Jade was still good & fine.

And she was. Heart rate lovely & head descended although not as low as one would hope. Gladys was very happy with me letting everything go & ‘just being’ for a few more days before taking anymore steps. She offered to do an internal just to see what the cervix was doing – which I said yes to because I actually wanted to know too & whilst I could tell it was lovely & soft, I didn’t have much to compare it with on the effacement side of things.

My cervix was soft. And with a good dig (what a bizarre sensation/experience) Gladys could give me 3 cm dilation but still quite a tubular cervix. And then seeing as she was in there she suggested going ahead with a stretch and sweep. I said yes – nothing to lose. Now Sue had told me how excruciating the experience was for her – so I anticipated pain. There wasn’t any but whoa what a bizarre, not necessary to repeat though, thing to undergo. Anyway, apparently it was a good sweep & we should give it until Wed 21st where we would meet at Hospital X for a CTG to get it on paper that Jade was still good to go.

(Warren 10th
Learnt today, from my mother, that my brother was overdue too! Seems it does run in the family. How would knowing this info beforehand have changed the outcome of Jade’s birth?)

Never needed that appointment…

I had the stretch and sweep at roughly 09h30 on the 19th. After that there was no time for a sleep even though I’d been up since 6am – as we had Jane’s school interview to go to and to meet her new teacher along with checking out her class & the Kindergarten. Jane was SO excited about starting in 1 sleep. She wanted to see her friends to be and to meet the other Jane in her class.

Then it was the afternoon to gather her school requirements and to a enjoy a ‘last day of the holidays’ time at the local play area. I did pop into the homeopath at the health shop. She looked at me and said that I’d be in labour before Thurs latest – she said she could see by my puffy eyes. She also said it is the thyroid that kick starts labour and as mine is problematic (my mother also landed up having a goiter removed) it explains my ‘overdue’ babies. Not really problem, just a slow to launch kinda thyroid. We had a fabulous afternoon but I was tired. I climbed into bed at roughly 9pm after Grey’s Anatomy and a yummy tuna salad.

Shortly after 10pm…

I now had to get out of bed and move around so as to actually register that I was having CONTRACTIONS! 5 mins apart and roughly 1 min in length.

Admittedly nothing sore or riding up the full length of my uterus. But still, contractions. Now what to do? I was tired and wanted to go to sleep but couldn’t lie down – too uncomfortable.

So I started to straighten up the kitchen and spend some time labouring alone. I’d had some show – so all the signs of labouring were showing themselves. Yayee! Exciting. Fulfilling. Jane was stirring & fidgety in bed so I climbed back in with her. Didn’t last long as I wasn’t comfortable lying down. Then I had what could only be a trickle of amniotic fluid – definitely not a trickle of wee running down the inside of my leg.

I went & spent some time alone, relaxing into the birth ball and just absorbing the gloriousness of actually being in labour. 5 mins apart. When do you call the midwife? Does this go quickly from 5 mins – 3 mins – delivery? How is this gonna work? Should I wake up Warren? Share it with him was my thinking as I knew I wasn’t able to lie down or sleep. Instead I decided on a bath just to confirm to myself that I was in labour. Oh how we doubt ourselves. Had a warm but short bath. It didn’t take the contractions away but it did knock them back a bit too roughly 8-9 mins apart, but still a good 45secs-1 min in length.

Decided to wake Warren up.
He was so excited he had to go and get smokes! Can’t remember the time but it definitely was after 11pm, not yet midnight.

Warren was great, he kept asking me what he could do, prepare, get. When did I think we should call the midwife – I left it in his hands as I was quite happy just labouring. Didn’t take too long and he called Gladys. She said it would take her about 45mins to an hour to come through. Looking back now time was so distorted – passing slowly & quickly simultaneously. When Mildred, doula/2nd midwife, arrived I was between 3-4 minutes apart, still 45secs-1 min in length. Lovely & gentle as far as I was concerned. I could happily work though the breathing through each one without assistance. No drama for me. Warren & Mildred got to setting up all of their goodies, medical as well as Mildred adding her doula touches to the scene like putting towels over the heater etc.

And I got on with it. A bit like being the star of the show with no audience and all of the light & activity on Warren (forever my entertainer and comedian who can both assist/deny me any limelight – with me often preferring to be the observer, this skill of his can be incredibly beneficial as no one then notices me. As it turned out in those early hours where I wanted the show to be active and playing but still have my time to be alone to savour each contraction, knowing myself to be doing well, managing, coping, listening to my body – Warren as a distraction was very beneficial. I think at the time though I realised that that had set the precedent for the nature of the birth scenario/setting & it was almost impossible to route more attention in my direction. But more of that as it transpired.

Gladys arrived not too long after Mildred. Obviously this was a great impact on my birthing energy & contractions because I slowed down after her arrival and lost some of my regularity. There was no excitement or what looked like real joy to now be here, in my home, present with me as a birthing mother & honour to be present at my daughter’s birth. Gladys moaned about being woken up and it not being her best time of the day and how it’s funny she chose midwifery when she actually hates the hours and lack of sleep. All of these discussions I was aware of. I was also aware that Mildred is the active part of their team and that Gladys is just there to be the ‘medical midwife’ – if you want love, support, motivation, food, reassurance you look to Mildred. Hell, if you want contractions timed, let Mildred do it and keep track of how the birthing mom is doing. The only observations that Gladys wrote down were hers after an internal examination. Gladys lay on the couch, dozing, talking, feeling nauseous & essentially just not being there and honouring the birth process & the fact that it was ‘my day’ and my daughters birth day.

Mildred, in my observations, clearly was aware that not enough attention was directed at me – almost all light and energy was on the 3 of them talking, laughing, joking, and generally killing time while I got on with it. At this point I felt like I just couldn’t quite make my contractions to the next level. At the first internal I was a lovely 6cm but still quite conical cervix. Mildred did her best to try to re-activate what had been wonderful labouring progression and got me squatting over the loo, after we’d discovered on my 2nd internal (after 3 hrs had passed) that I hadn’t gotten much further down the line. I could sense that Gladys’s lack of interest and this sense of ‘time running out’ was in the air. I wasn’t progressing as I should do. I did raise this concern with Mildred who reassured me that all was ok and that if Gladys was really concerned she’d have said something. Not quite convinced but what else was there for me to do but continue labouring as best I could. Sitting over the loo did help me to try and get more over/into what I felt was my obstacle at the time and that was that I could easily relax my entire body and mange any pains/sensations – but I really struggled to relax into that anal, perineal, base of cervix and what felt like surrounding muscles. (I could describe the area that I speak of as being those muscles one uses doing one’s pelvic floor stair exercises up and down). I could sense that one, small but very important part of my body in this process just wasn’t able to relax enough.

Added note: Feeling goofed on endorphins really is such a trip. What a privilege to feel the power of the body as it surrounds you in energy that can manage pain & childbirth.

On the loo I did get into some lovely moany, groany noises and deeper & deeper throated contraction releases from my body. A touch self conscious at first but then I actually began to enjoy seeing if I could deepen them myself purposefully. By now Jane had woken up and was an active support system to me. It was probably her presence, now that I think of it, that took the focus off Gladys more and put it back to where it belonged – on me. At one point Jane actually asked Gladys, who had taken over from Mildred’s massaging of my lower back, why she was not talking to me and helping me like Mildred had done whilst she was massaging me through each contraction. By this stage Warren had given Gladys a maxalon injection for her post nasal drip nausea and this was why she was actually off the couch and doing something. Gladys felt she had been ‘kucked out’ by Jane – but in truth Jane was probably very acutely aware too of Gladys’s complete lack of presence. I was aware too of Warren also becoming aware of this status quo, either consciously or subconsciously (not sure) and even he was attempting to keep everyone’s focus on me. However, I also sensed he was not supported in this and was aware that whenever he made an effort to connect with me, it was overridden by one of the ladies – if I say so now, I feel that they believed the ‘show’, mostly Gladys, was theirs and not mine and Warren’s. I wanted Warren more and more but I wasn’t in a position to command it – I was trying to manage all that was being experienced inside of me whilst fighting off sufficient enough fears that I was not progressing as I should be. I don’t know if I was blaming the dynamics of the scene or myself at this point. Instead I worked at staying in the moment and just ensuring my own flow.

Next internal. I did not like my daughter being present at these but because the focus now was ‘medical’ not social/family, all eyes were on my vagina and progress. Still at 6cm, maybe 7cm, but no head pushing down. All of a sudden (that weird time thing again, fast & slow simultaneously), I felt there was panic or frantic in the air, and next thing my waters were being broken by Gladys. Although I’d said I had definitely ruptured my hind waters – the ladies had seen & smelt the liquor– Gladys did not appear satisfied with this. Not sure why. Could the waters be hindering the progress? Don’t know. Was there even much fore waters what with Jade not ever having made fully use of the space and always being so very low down in my tum (I could always feel the empty waters under my diaphragm.) and the fact that she started engaging/lying low from 28 weeks on already?

The stretch and sweep I had no problems with – I could relax myself and it was my choice. The invasion of the breaking of waters needle/spring thing was not appreciated as it was not my choice or decision, and I was not asked if she could proceed with this. I didn’t want Jane to be present and I wasn’t sure the reason and objective behind it. Clearly through all of this discomfort I could not relax.

Anyway, back to the bathroom. Kali phos & clary sage, rescue & Calloph & lemon barley and for the 1st time I felt my tiredness begin to kick in and begin to weigh me down a bit.

Warren, my hero & my bestest, with Jane’s need to swim, eventually convinced the ladies to let me into the pool. Was so relieved to be off the loo seat and out of the bathroom. Being in the water was lekker. Relaxing. Could only kneel as Gladys’s birth pools are only 1.5m in diameter! But I could work at relaxing into my ‘blockage’. I had Jane loving the pool with me, dunking herself under the water and having a good, wet time. This was the first time in my whole experience that I asked for some photos – because no one had bothered to think of pictures earlier…

Added note: Have to add here that I LOVED being in labour and even loved the contractions. Felt like I was cheating because as soon as I came out of one it was like I was ‘normal’ again (not in labour in other words) – until the next one – like taking mini sojourns.

It was in the pool, after Jane had had enough, that Gladys stated that we should now look at having a c-section because she said that although I’d not presented with all 3 signs of no progress simultaneously (I’d exhibited each one or at least 2, but always together with another sign that there was progress and responses) and she felt this was CPD and I would therefore need a c-section. It was at this point that I can remember not feeling relief but instead a lack of resistance to the situation because I knew my internal resources were waning and I wasn’t sure how to renew them to get this baby down and out of my body.

Gladys phoned the gynae. Yes, he was available but no there were no beds available at Hospital X as the closest medical facility. It had to be Hospital Y, 45 mins away!

And this is where I cried. Not entirely at having the c-section, I knew I hadn’t much left inside of me – but because of my complete horror and fear at having a standard, no music, no love, no honouring, no conscious awareness for the sacredness of the arrival of Little Jade. To say I cried is an understatement. I howled. I cried from within the deepest core of sadness within me. I didn’t think it but I know if I’d been in my mind I’d be thinking “Sorry Little Jade for failing you and not managing to manifest circumstances of honour & respect for your magnificence.” Or something along those lines…

Because my next contractions were howled out of me & Gladys noted the completely different way in which I’d suddenly responded – now with tears – she asked to do another internal. I’d advanced in that one howl to 9 cms and even I could feel less baby in my abdo and more of her coming up against my vagina from the inside.

Gladys put the hospital on hold and said lets work with this. They got me out of the pool (do not really understand why other than possibly her pools are used only for pain as supposed to actually birthing cos they are too small or her control issues?) and back onto the loo (not a great idea as I had visions of dropping my baby into a germ infested loo) to keep my pelvis open and my back free of any restrictions. Didn’t want to get out of the pool – maybe cos I’d made so much progress whilst in it. I didn’t want to lose the momentum either. At some point in the labour there had been mutterings my coccyx was skew/odd or my coccyx wasn’t able to move out as it should do or some other such pelvic bone failing. Strange though as no osteopath or chiro has ever said my back was skew – although I do remember Emma the osteopath saying that my back, neck and lower back were too straight and didn’t have enough curves – so maybe there is a bone reason why Jade couldn’t get out?

26th January
A brief update but then back to the birth. I have Shingles! Ow! Very Ow!. In fact pain is my current 2nd name at the moment – 1: Shingles blisters on 1 side of my body, from sternum all the way across my left boob, under the arm and round to my back ending at my spine – 2: Sore boobs especially the left due to some engorgement and a silly left boob that although looks like a milk producer of litres, is barely giving me 10ml! – 3: Tender C-section wound, although not high on my pain list – 4: Fungal infection in groin and lastly – 5: on inside of my left leg and excruciating, burning, tearing kind of pain that could probably be a torn pelvic ligament???. Lastly, a cracked left nipple.

So in a continuing theme from day of Jade’s birth, I’ve manifested physical circumstances where faced with pain, something I’ve always been good and able at managing. But currently I’m not able to access any such resources and I find myself, like on the day of the c-section, absolutely unable to cope, manage or even control. In fact, yelling out for help in any form was the only thing available to me. I wanted to be helped and I wasn’t in a position to guard myself or try to remain independent. Help me because I’ve fallen flat and can only get up with the assistance of another – not just in the form of supporting me, strengthening my abilities but actually handing over and having someone take over the requirements to change my current circumstances. True asking for help and then letting the helper do the helping and me being deserving enough, special enough to be able to RECEIVE love and help, help that was actually my empowered co-creation because I’d called out for it. I sent out the SOS and then fully embraced the powerful creator energy coming back to me. Why? Because I can and because these are gifts I owe myself divinely and rightly.

19th February
In retrospect I could have gone the homeopathic route only but I was desperate and in agony. I wanted and needed quick results.

So now on meds that I cannot expose Jade to so she’s on the bottle and formula but only until the medicine is out of my system, roughly 8 days. Déjà vu – like with the thrush and Jane. This time though I say thank you because I put myself 1st by getting treatment and helping me out of this shingles mess but 2, I also don’t enjoy the guilt I feel when I know everything I ingest flows through to Jade, including the pain killers, voltaren etc. And unsafe medicine is a definite no can do. So although very sorry Jade wasn’t getting the rest of the colostrums/milk combo, this was better for both of us.

Updated note: Only found out afterwards that I could’ve continued to feed Jade whilst on Zelitrex although not ideal. Was angry at the doctor’s ignorance over the less tangible implications of breastfeeding – like traumatic weaning for mom & baby. What I also didn’t give thought to was that my milk was not yet well established for Jade. Additionally instant weaning of newborn just doesn’t work for me.

Birth story continued.
But with contractions not powerful enough to ride completely up the fundus (I never felt my Braxton Hicks go all the way up either) there just didn’t appear to be enough power above & behind Jade to assist in maintaining and ejecting Jade. This would also explain why she didn’t get down enough to truly open up the cervix and get passed it???

Anyway, back on the loo. Not keen. Warren must’ve sensed that I wasn’t happy there because he now stepped in to hold me through the contractions. With him holding me I could ‘disobey’ the being on the loo instruction and move off and away from there. Back to the birth room and now actually trying to help the contractions by pushing. Not my strong point as we know – the blockage/resistance within the base of my pelvis, to completely let go. So I drank Cal/Mag powder in water so as to throw up – which I duly did and this actually got a whole lot of blood and normal birth activity going – I was on hands and knees and it was working. Yay. But Gladys didn’t like the position for monitoring purposes so she had me move forward onto my knees so could lift my bum up for examination and then onto my bum with legs out – that was it. Jade was straight back inside of me. Instant 9cm to 6/7cm and no progress. Now, while writing, I realise one can ask the question: “real CPD? Or just incorrectly managed birth by Gladys, insensitive to the subtleties of differences in moms (each one being unique) and what they require of the midwife working with them to birth their babies their way? I know Gladys sees herself as the one doing the birthing/delivering, she’s said as much, therefore in tune with her requirements but not mine. But actually, right now, I’m not up for a round and round cycle of mind questions with no answers because in truth there were times and areas in the process where it clearly looked like progress was not the name of the game. I could’ve fought Gladys to let me do it my way, but in truth I knew I was running out of energy and resources that even lemon barley couldn’t fix.

28th January – Jade 1 week & 1 day old today.
Today is the perfect day for being in bed – and that’s where we 3 Van Heerden girls are. Jane has a sore tum & fever (agh, the winds of change); Mom with my shingles, sore boobs, and healing body and Little Jade (no name yet, our all time record) with a soft baby blanket, bottle in her mouth (poor child) and 1 x gummy eye. All in all a right trio of change and immunity trying to work with the flow of the world and grow stronger for it.

Now best I finish off my birth story before it too belongs to the winds of change.

Carrying on from where we left off, I still have no need to gather proof or question if all this CPD was indeed true – everything is always perfect and as it should be in that moment. It JUST-IS. I recognise clearly that with all the factors and acknowledging that in terms of the uterine contractions, even if Jade & I were totally in sync and able to get her out together, those upper part of the fundus contractions were just not strong enough to actually be the 3rd and all NB factor to help us complete the trio that was needed to birth Little Jade – Baby, Mom & Body. Also want to add here that when I see how Jade likes to lie and have her head back, she was probably not in the more torpedo shape position that would’ve also been optimum to her gravitationally pushing open my cervix.

So from throwing up to now packing up. (Never packed a hospital bag – again!)
And what a shift.
Pain without purpose. Wholly camolly. All of a sudden I was no longer able to manage a contraction. I now wanted them to slow down and leave me alone in peace so I could digest the change in course and get my head around another c-section. Well this body & those contractions were having none of that. When one started, I folded – totally unable to find a tool or resource to get through the next minute. The best I could get my head around was remembering Wecesin powder for Jade instead of surgical spirits and reminding Warren to take a camera. I also remember knowing it was pointless gathering birth CD music or soft blankets, towel etc.

At this point Jane fell apart completely. We are so in tune to one another that I felt her overriding concern was that it wasn’t happening the way that I’d wished and worked for. Additionally, trying to manage her way through waking up to “your baby will be here soon” – watching the breaking of waters/internal done to me – will need to go for a c-sect at hospital & me moaning in total desperation at the thought of my baby being taken away from me – wait, we might still birth this baby at home – No, we really are going to have to cut Jade out. It was all a bit too much for her to manage without her biggest ‘interpreter’ easily available: Me!

It is quite something being in 4 roles at one time: 1 – Concerned and caring mom to Jane 2 – Wife that could’ve saved us all this trouble and money and just gone with another c-section up front 3 – Mother to an unknown child still having to breathe deeply to oxygenate body & baby to ensure she doesn’t go into distress 4 – Be an assistant to my own body to try & maintain through each crashing contraction. It was at this point that Mildred realised she has to point out to me that there were still benefits – each contraction was still massaging my baby, kick starting all her little body’s firings in prep for the world etc. Gawsh, I was having to think of 2 kids already, 1 of which I couldn’t even get out of me.

Car drive of over 40km with painful contractions, distraught daughter and track suit pants digging right in where its sore and where you know your baby hates constrictions (by her head/neck) is no fun. Enough said.

At Hospital Y, I was taken straight through to maternity whilst Warren admitted me. Hospital Y doesn’t let private midwives or additional birthing support into their maternity ward. Regulation blah blah. However, the angels were with us and having no husband temporarily and a 5yr old on my lap meant Gladys and Mildred were let in with me whilst prepping me started. And Hospital Y mat ward has the nicest, Dutch/German charge sister (older, wiser and way more adaptable, fluid) in charge who could teach Claudette a thing or 3 and of course being day shift, she Sr Z, was there! Yay. And we’d met and chatted with her before hand. No chasing Jane out. No freaking with Gladys (and a little bullyingly actually) when she said she’d not abandon her patient now and insisted on putting up my iv and inserting my catheter. All the while I was slowly fading. Whatever strength I had left was almost completely out. I was so unable to cope with the contractions that the pain just about up and attacked me each time. I couldn’t lie, couldn’t sit, and couldn’t get comfortable. Over 45 mins later (where is that spinal block???) I was taken through to go into theatre. Sr Z only left my side once the theatre recovery room sister, named Helen, had appeared like an angel at my side. At this point my body had already gone into shock. I was shaking uncontrollably, shivering like a whole tree never mind a leaf, and this Helen looked to me sooo like Mel Roodt (my English teacher that I lived with in Matric who passed over Aug 2008) that I instantly knew it actually was Mel – there with me and assisting me through this last bit. Helen/Mel talked to me slowly and positively through those final contractions, not letting them eat me but giving me enough power back to work with them instead of them taking over. In the theatre, again no Warren allowed until I’m already lying down and prepped to go, I had Helen/Mel literally fold me into her body/shoulders whilst I shivered uncontrollably, through a few contractions, in an icy theatre, whilst having the female anesthetist put in the spinal block whilst I must be completely still!! I was placed lying slightly propped on my one side because I couldn’t handle being completely flat on my back (couldn’t do that at all right throughout the pregnancy). With this skew positioning, I could feel only one side of my body go numb. I had to be shifted around a bit and they had to wait a little while before I said that I was numb on both sides. (The side that wouldn’t go numb is the side, in my groin area that came alive with the most excruciating, burning pain once the spinal wore off and remains the area that I still have no feeling in). That made me rather anxious as I wasn’t up to feeling half of any incisions and surgery thanks. We got through it and once lying down and the spinal block took effect; I was relieved of any further contractions.

Thank you

No time wasted. Prep of abdo and before I knew it Dr W was slicing and cauterizing. I could see the smoke rise even above the green screen placed in front of me. Although numb, one really can feel so much of all of the activity going on. Strange sensations. I was still shaking. Tthe anesthetist, was divine too –
arranged for me to have a bear hugger blanket/blower? to put onto me to help alleviate the cold and shock. She also put an O2 mask for me to breathe in. (I shook all the way until having Jade in my arms in the ward)

Warren announced, so everyone knew, that we didn’t know what Jade’s gender was thereby ensuring no one let the cat out of the bag before he could see. In no time at all, Dr W said the head was out and Warren was holding his breath. I was watching him cos I couldn’t see what was going on. And after what felt like a fiddly moment, Dr W pulled out Jade’s body & instantly Warren could see we had another wondrous daughter cos Jade had been in the perfect position. (At this point that I must note down that Jade, throughout all of the antenatals, labour, internals, H2O broken further, howling contraction, car drive etc, never faltered with her heart rate. It was always beautiful, strong, recovering almost instantly and literally, she never missed a beat.)

Little Jade was born with a gorgeous mop of dark brown hair! 3.55kg at 13h22 on the 20th January 2009. She was 48cm with an APGAR of 9/10 and then 10/10 5 mins later. Both eyes open and very, very aware and so responsive to my voice. In utero she was incredibly responsive to touch, my voice and telepathic communications. We knew we were having a girl cos we’d felt it the whole way through the pregnancy whereas with Jane we never stopped to feel what we were having, we only thought! And our thought was “it has to be a boy due to Murphy ’s Law cos we would rather have a girl”.

Jade was 10 days ‘overdue’. In an instant I’d become (yes, I had been one already for 41+ weeks) a mother of 2 daughters. WOW. Wonderful. Thank you. How honourable. Privileged. Satisfying.

Little Jade was lifted up for me to see and although covered in blood I could see she was beautiful and perfect. And although she cried briefly – the theatre very soon had no more crying baby. Instead it had the littlest observer and receiver/transmitter allowed in a hospital theatre. To say that Jade was aware is an understatement. Even the (lets assume, probably incorrectly & apologies if so) unconscious theatre staff remarked at the fact that this baby clearly was with us and channeling everything going on around it.

The anesthetist thankfully and wondrously spoke me through all that was happening. She got them to move a little so I could see Jade on the resusitaire goodie, whilst measuring etc. Before they even had Jade on the resusitaire, I was talking out loudly in the theater to her. From the moment I laid eyes on her to the time she was taken out of the theatre, I talked and talked and talked and not once more did she cry and in fact the moment the anesthetist took her (bundled up) from Warren, who had briefly shown her to me at the side of my head, and moving the scrubs so I could get my hand out, placed Jade on my chest so I could kiss her and look at her, I knew she knew that I was her mother. She was soooo listening to and taking in every word and emphasis in my speech that even conscious me was taken aback. Jade looked straight into my eyes, hers completely open, and really looked at me, forever engraving what I look like into her heart’s memory bank. Wow child. Blessed.

She was then taken, but because it was spoken through with me by the anesthetist explaining it really was too cold for a new baby to be in an icy theatre, I was ok with it and was able to insist loudly that Warren was going with her and was not to leave her side nor stop talking with her. I’d see her ASAP. Being on my own again whilst they sewed me up gave me a few digesting moments to fully take in that I’d just birthed my 2nd daughter, that I really was a mother again and that I was truly blessed and privileged – AND so intensely grateful for the spinal block rescuing me from my inability to find pain management tools, but empowered me and helped me to bring Jade to earth in a way that ensured that we were both healthy and together and now a family of 4.

My fears of not having my daughter with me until after the recovery room and once in the maternity ward were put aside (them angels again!!!!!!!! – thank you!) as I found myself being moved straight off the theatre bed, onto my ward bed and straight to the ward. At my head stayed the anesthetist who spoke me through not being brave and to take pain meds because a wound 2nd time over is always more sore than the first time. She made me promise to be open to taking them especially in the 1st 24hrs. Thank gosh, with the shingles, she did.

And there in the ward, staring through the nursery window was the happiest, big sister in the world. Right there and then I just wanted to hold my Jane and tell her how proud I was to have her as my daughter, how much I know I need her presence and strength in my life and that I know I will always be in awe of the magnificent being she is. I truly was grateful to share this experience with her.

Whilst I waited for Warren to come back from changing out of his scrubs, so he could be in charge of Jane (At this point Gladys & Mildred were still being tolerated on the ward because Sr Z was conscious of Jane’s needs but they had been told nicely this was their 1st & last time it would happen.) I immediately sent out a silent prayer of thanks to the angels for their over lighting of this whole birth at home to hospital process and we also had to wait for Jade. The staff patiently was waiting for C&A to leave before they would bring Jade through. I wasn’t happier than when they were leaving, no offense, cos I just wanted my new baby girl.

She has loads more hair than Jane had although also brown, Jade’s darker, and she really is a noo. So little, quite petite and just perfect. Welcome Little Jade.

I amazed myself by getting her latched first time, drinking and content, without even so much as an offer of assistance. Believe it or not, given my thrush, boobs, shingles, boobs history – I know I was born to breastfeed!

And that’s that about the birth. As I work through my nurturance and love of self issues, heart chakra issues and the physicality of shingles, sore boobs, sore nerves, I trust that I keep my heart open to receiving the blessings. All I need to do is keep an open heart and be open to receiving love. (And be courageous enough to ask for help too, acknowledging when I really am unable to pick up a coping tool instead I actually need the help of another.

Colette van Heerden
“IN & OUT WITH SPIRIT” Spirit in Pregnancy & Birth
eBook available at www.star-channel.net