Earth Babies Blog

Do you encourage independence in your children? Do you judge a mother (me ) waiting in a car while her child runs in to a shop as lazy? Do you teach distrust of all strangers? Do you try push or persuade them to do things they do not want to, speak to strangers etc?

My approach with my kids is a bit of a mix of very protective and giving them lots of space.

For me independence is a form of self confidence and trust in ones own judgement and instincts and I try to nurture and grow this in my kids but sometimes feel like I am getting it all wrong.

The kids and I spent the week end at my sisters and on Saturday we went as a special treat for them, to a story reading at the gorgeous Book shop / Coffee shop in Amanzimtoti Book Boutique (see page 21 in Toti Life). Their older cousin went with us and the idea is they would sit and listen to a story, do a fun craft and get to have a colddrink and cake (while Sis & I chillaxed over cappuccinos). But of course my kids caught me off guard (I should have expected it) by being extra clingy and needy.
They would not sit for the story without me – even when i sat with them both practically on me, neither of them listened and then both refused to do the craft … I could not help feeling disappointed and frustrated. On the other hand the youngest went to purchase her own book (which her older cousin would not do).

My kids are 3½ and 5½ and I think i am pretty laid back (some might think neglectful) in giving them space, not hovering and encouraging them to interact with people. I know for a fact some mothers would gasp at my disregard for my children’s safety but honestly it is the opposite. I try to encourage them to be independent of me for their sake and safety. I try to nurture their gut instincts to people and not override them (even when I am cringing in embarrassment) when they do not want to greet people. I encourage politeness but try to respect them and not force it for anyone. Sometimes they thrive on this and other times (like that mentioned above) even when there is no risk and I am close at hand, within view – they will revert to needy cling-ons.

Things I do to encourage their confidence away from me:

- I will often give them money to go and pay for their own purchase as it not only teaches them self confidence and independence, but also the value and responsibility of money.

- I let my daughter walk to her class alone when she wants to (other times I carry her – yup still a hipmonkey at 3½), but only after I have let her pass the main security door that is always locked – it makes her feel like a big girl. Or her big brother will walk her to class and I will sit in the car (she loves it when he does).
My son I will allow to cross the parking lot and walk to class and will watch from a distance until he is safely behind the gates of his class playground.

- I will ask them to give their teacher a message – if they forget it is not a problem but if they remember they are proud of themselves.

- Post box checking I ‘go into’ the post office while they go around the corner to the postboxes (I follow behind and wait out of sight, then I will go back inside and wait for them there as if I had never watched).

- We have a small local Spar and I have started sending my son in alone to buy bread or milk. I will park either by the door so I can watch him enter and come out or I will park on the paving side (so he does not have to cross traffic) and then climb out and stand closer where I can see the doors and make sure he gets there and returns safely. (Kara may not do this alone yet – she will forget the bread and buy chocolates – but she does get to go with her brother if their mission is to buy chocolates)

- Dvd returns, they both get to do this together and individually. It is a straightforward process with little need for interaction (depending on where I can find parking)

- We started a lift club with another family so every other week they travel with them.

- Playdates I go on gut feel and looking at the child doing the inviting. I have not yet been confronted with a playdate request from a parent I have never met, but I would take each one and consider it individually.
I have however invited children on playdates by us where the parents have not met me (I do try to then give them the option of first coming with for coffee … so they can suss us out).

- I stand back when strangers speak to them (irrespective of who the person is) and allow them to react first and step in if I feel they need me.

- At public play areas I do not follow them unless I feel the access to outside/roads etc is not well enough protected and they could wander out the wrong way (in that case I am a helicopter delux).

One thing they may not do is go into a public toilet in shopping centres without me. This is becoming an issue for Rafe as he no longer wants to go to the girls toilets – “he is a boy *sulk & tantrum*!” – I will not allow him to go in alone unless it is a very small 1 or 2 toilet bathroom where I can guard the door. And of course I cannot possibly go into the men’s toilet with him so unfortunately this is one thing we will fight about for a few years still.

What is your approach?

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