Earth Babies Blog

Posts Tagged ‘Bonding’

I think most people realise the magnitude of becoming a parent, and the responsibility – the lifetime significance of it. We think about it from our own point of view and imagine our children growing older and how that will affect us and all realize that even 30+years down the line they will still be our baby and we will still be their mom/dad.

Have you ever sat down and thought of it from their side, how big a part you are of who they are. Think about your own parents how even all grown up and living your life you still need them. I never imagined that my own children would never get to love or be loved by my own parents – that ‘taken for granted’ was intricately woven into my dream of a family and children of my own.

My parents died in 2002 I was 27, married, working and already been out of the house and ‘independant’ for 10 years. I had been in hostel so from std 4 till std 9 I only saw them week-ends. In std 9 they moved to Zimbabwe but I chose to stay at the school I knew in South Africa so from there I only saw them holidays, once studying and then working we saw each other 2 or 3 times a year – sometimes more when they would climb in the car on a Friday and drive 1000km to surprise us on our birthdays or simply to take us out to supper on the Saturday evening and then drive the 1000km back home on the Sunday.

The distance and erratic time together never changed anything though, they were still my parents, I still needed them and depended on them to be my ‘safe place’ even if only in voice over the phone. I knew everyday that they were there thinking about us and loving us.

They have been gone for 7 years now you would think after all this time I would have stopped feeling that need to hear their voice and just feel safe and ‘home’ again – I haven’t though, that feeling is just as strong today as it was when I was a child.
I did not speak openly about what was going on in my life with my parents, they were never my confidante, they were never the ones I felt I could tell anything to BUT they were the place I knew I could always go to feel loved, protected and accepted just as I am. They knew when I was not at my best but never pushed for answers or tried to fix things or pushed me in any direction that they felt would be best for me. They were simply there for me quietly supportive and loving and understanding..

What got my train of thought going in this direction (apart from needing to hear their voice) – last night a friend’s husband stopped at my gate to quickly pick something up and when I asked how he was his answer was ‘Not so good today’, his father had had a stroke and died and that large, strong, older man stood there tears in his eyes looking broken at the loss of a parent.

A child no matter how old remains the child to a parent – not only in the eyes of the parent but also in the heart of the child.

touch… is the mother of all senses upon which our baby depends

In many ways touch is our most important form of communication. It is the most basic communication, the one we first get to experience and understand as babies. Of our 5 senses touch (touching and being touched) is the one that develops us physically, mentally and emotionally – it is this that the other four senses support.

There is always a lot of talk about bonding when it comes to babies – it is often attributed to the way you birth or feed your baby … which leads to arguments galore from those who do not choose the natural route and still feel they bonded.
In truth the only thing that bonding can be attributed is touch. Think about it in terms of people around you – if you have no physical contact with a person whatsoever, it is near to impossible to feel any form of emotional connection to them.

Breastfeeding forces you to put physical contact first.

This is where the argument for natural birth and breastfeeding being important for bonding stems from. Both of these allow for and require immediate and ongoing physical contact.

Thinking of breastfeeding, there is no option of putting that baby down or having someone else hold them during feeding. In the first few intensive weeks until your milk supply is properly established and baby has grown enough to go longer stretches between feeds the two of you HAVE to sit down and be in close contact for at least ½ of the day (newborns need to feed on average 12 times a day).
This allows for a lot of time for them to receive that all essential physical stimulation, to be physically close enough to see their mothers face (a newborn can only see clearly for about 20cm – the distance from your face to breast) and for you to settle in to actually spending time being still and simply holding them rather than doing all those things you feel you ’should’ be doing.

Love is founded in touch

In terms of natural birth the same applies – you are able to sit up and comfortably hold baby immediately after the birth, there is no need for them to be taken away while you are stitched up or taken to recovery etc.

I will admit after my first birth having a quick peek and having baby swept away for all the checks etc would have been quite welcome at the time (I was exhausted) – in retrospect though I am glad for that time I got to hold him close and marvel at the result of the unpleasantness I had felt moments before.
It was a very special time and which altered my birth-experience from too much, to a fantastic one. It changed my thoughts immediately from never again to “hope the next one is also a waterbirth” – not simply feeling able to go through all that again, but actually hoping to go through it all again … that it had all been so worthwhile.

These experiences however are not needed to bond – they simply help it along. It is never too late in a relationship to reach out and touch, to strengthen and re-establish that bond and love. Children and adults alike need those little touches – the pat on the back, stroke on their hair, sitting close, wrestling and tickling, being carried/held, hugs and kisses.

Did you know? Each parent has his or her own way of touching. Research has shown that when mothers touch babies, they are usually soothing and calming. Moms most often touch gently – they stroke softly, rock slowly, and hold their babies tenderly. Fathers, on the other hand, tend to engage in more physical forms of touch – they bounce babies on their knees, hold them playfully in the air, or roll around on the floor with them. Your baby benefits from these two different styles of touch. Together they contribute to your infant’s healthy development.
http://johnsonsbaby.com/article.do?id=9

Babies benefit immensely from massage and it is not something you need to do a course in, or pay someone else to do. It is something you can do yourself – here is a link to a lovely online video guide in How to massage your baby video