Earth Babies Blog

Posts Tagged ‘Parenting’

Strange topic for a ‘baby blog’ I suppose BUT babies, become children, become adults. What we teach them now is the basis for how they approach people in the future.
This contains lots of questions and I hope I get replies as I dont intend them as purely hypothetical. I am really curious how others see it – beyond the group I have discussed similar things with in the past (I tend to disagree with the approach of the majority).

What is your take on children being aware of colour? How do you approach it with your own children? Is recognising someone’s colour discrimination?

I think we are taking being Politically correct about colour way too far – I cannot tell you how many times people try claim that children “dont see colour” – Of course they see colour, they just dont care! But as adults trying to navigate the maze of rules as to what is ‘allowed and not’ we try to tell ourselves that they don’t see colour. Now if they can see that a boy has a blue shirt, or a girl has blonde hair – why would they not see that that skin colours differ?

What are we actually teaching our children by trying to make them stick everyone in one colourless box? Do YOU want to be colourless?

The whole colour PC issue is going the same way as the feminism movement, where in my opinion they lose focus of what is important. If we ignore colour we lose sight of all the wonderful unique attributes of people and actually I feel create a nation less tolerant of differences in culture ‘as we are all meant to be the same’. I WANT my children to recognize racial differences and learn to accept them. How do we expect children to learn about different cultures and respect them if we are teaching them in the first place not to recognise or acknowledge those differences?

For me respect is based in acceptance, and tolerance and not in being the same. Equality is based on respect and acceptance of others and not on overlooking differences.

I doubt there is another title that comes with as much judgement as being a mother. Comparison, superiority, one upmanship, feelings of guilt and inferiority seem to be part of the package. I think the first year of being a mom is the most rough in this regard – everything feels personal. You have to wade through a bit of a swamp of your own opinions and those of others.

We all judge and feel judged (not always intentionally) – and a few years down the line when we have learnt our own lessons and become more flexible, we can no longer remember so clearly ‘how’ we used to think in that first see-sawing year of motherhood.

A friend posted this on a forum a while back – I had a good giggle as it could have been taken from quotes made over the past few years I have been chatting there from the subjects we have argued about, made statements and voiced opinions on.

Read through and then share your score (you dont have to say which ones they were ) of judgments made and judgements felt.

For full article visit Jozikids Blog

In deciding when they get to stay home I think each parent differs. I am relatively relaxed about it in that I do let them miss an occasional day of school. When would I let them skip? The obvious is if they feel ill, less obvious would be when something fun or interesting is happening or on those days when they really, really don’t want to go (which is not often) – they are after all only in preschool at this stage and I see no reason to already make school going a forced chore rather than a fun choice. I will admit that some days I insist they go to school as I know once they are there they have fun. It is just the drop and release that is an issue (I hate days like that). We will re-evaluate this approach when formal schooling starts but I think I will still be occasionally flexible on this. I have never regarded a perfect attendance record as being the ultimate. I see little value in it as I don’t think it shapes the child as a more responsible individual and children can also learn valuable lessons out of the school setting.

This is not a rehash of the age old debate, but rather the thoughts of a mom who struggles to be all she expects of herself. I read this article someone linked to on twitter about smacking lowering IQ and it got me thinking – smacking article

If only it were as simple as a decision and that was all it took, but like with most things on the parenting journey it is not that simple. My reasons for not wanting to smack don’t really matter but some that spring to mind are I really like the idea of trying things that might teach my child a future skill and the ability to handle situations better next time. I do really feel like a hypocrite when I say don’t hit and yet some times I do. I don’t like that it invades their body space. I have however smacked both my kids before and it is not that I think the occasional smack is bad or that I even agree with the article, it was just something I did not really wanted to do.

The big deal is not the smack, the big deal for me is that it represents my not coping as well as I had wanted to. I know a lot of people that can use a smack, not out of anger like me but, in a controlled way. The times I have done it are when I have just been so frustrated and overwhelmed that it was almost a reflex not controlled at all, in fact teetering on the brink of not being very controlled at all. Now for others it might be something else: shouting, moaning, being impatience, wherever – that thing you landed up doing that you said you would not do or the behaviour that you do not like in yourself that seems to surface more frequently than you would like.

I have learnt that this usually has so much more to do with me than it does with them. My stress, tiredness and issues that I am dealing with bubble over into my parenting and leave me often very far from the ideal that I had set for myself. It is also not about the method that you use but rather the way you do it. I think sometime words said in anger can hurt and damage a child more then a smack.

What I have learnt about myself:

- I need to get enough sleep, without it my ability to manage my temper reduces greatly.
- I need to have realistic ideas of that I and my kids can manage at any given time.
- I need time away from them to recharge so that when I am with them I can give them my all.
- I need alone time with each of them to bond on a closer and more personal level with each of them.
- I need a support system and part of that is me supporting other, as by feeling like I contribute to making others lives easier makes me feel worth while and I can accepting love and support in return.
- Counting to 10 is simple yet is still often a really good idea.
- Watch my breathing and how tense my muscles are, when I start getting annoyed or the kids are pushing my buttons, just relaxing my jaw taking a deep breath and relaxing my shoulders can help avoid a huge conflict.
- Remember that I am the example to them of how to deal with frustration and anger, and while a smack might work now, it is not a skill they can use as an adult in a stressful situation.
- Be a good enough parent and accept I will never be perfect
- Be kind to myself, messing up is a given but guilt does not help me or them. This does not mean that I just have to give in and accept my short fallings it means making sure my ideals for myself are realistic and when I fail to see if there are things that I could have done differently.
Always be willing to learn and open to change.

I will add to this list as I think of more things, and in another blog I will try cover REALLY practical tips of things help when dealing with kids. Again I am not saying that a smack is always wrong, sometimes it might feel warranted, but for those like me that would like to limit these times I want to find some other ways that might help us cope. I have read a lot of books on more gentle discipline approaches and so often the theory is wonderful but in practice it does not go as smoothly.

Do you as a parent ever struggle with not meeting the expectations you had of yourself?

I think most people realise the magnitude of becoming a parent, and the responsibility – the lifetime significance of it. We think about it from our own point of view and imagine our children growing older and how that will affect us and all realize that even 30+years down the line they will still be our baby and we will still be their mom/dad.

Have you ever sat down and thought of it from their side, how big a part you are of who they are. Think about your own parents how even all grown up and living your life you still need them. I never imagined that my own children would never get to love or be loved by my own parents – that ‘taken for granted’ was intricately woven into my dream of a family and children of my own.

My parents died in 2002 I was 27, married, working and already been out of the house and ‘independant’ for 10 years. I had been in hostel so from std 4 till std 9 I only saw them week-ends. In std 9 they moved to Zimbabwe but I chose to stay at the school I knew in South Africa so from there I only saw them holidays, once studying and then working we saw each other 2 or 3 times a year – sometimes more when they would climb in the car on a Friday and drive 1000km to surprise us on our birthdays or simply to take us out to supper on the Saturday evening and then drive the 1000km back home on the Sunday.

The distance and erratic time together never changed anything though, they were still my parents, I still needed them and depended on them to be my ‘safe place’ even if only in voice over the phone. I knew everyday that they were there thinking about us and loving us.

They have been gone for 7 years now you would think after all this time I would have stopped feeling that need to hear their voice and just feel safe and ‘home’ again – I haven’t though, that feeling is just as strong today as it was when I was a child.
I did not speak openly about what was going on in my life with my parents, they were never my confidante, they were never the ones I felt I could tell anything to BUT they were the place I knew I could always go to feel loved, protected and accepted just as I am. They knew when I was not at my best but never pushed for answers or tried to fix things or pushed me in any direction that they felt would be best for me. They were simply there for me quietly supportive and loving and understanding..

What got my train of thought going in this direction (apart from needing to hear their voice) – last night a friend’s husband stopped at my gate to quickly pick something up and when I asked how he was his answer was ‘Not so good today’, his father had had a stroke and died and that large, strong, older man stood there tears in his eyes looking broken at the loss of a parent.

A child no matter how old remains the child to a parent – not only in the eyes of the parent but also in the heart of the child.

The subject of sex offenders against children has come up a few times in a matter of weeks, which has had me thinking deeper on the subject ongoing and evolving. I am not going to reinvent the wheel and retype things that have already been said but rather ask you to take a little time to read these blog posts and then I would love to hear what your thoughts on the subject are.

Jozikids – How much freedom should we give our kids
Harassed Mom – Too often we give children answers to remember rather than problems to solve. (related to the 1st)
Kiddies Corner – Sex Offenders Registry

I have recently had it re-emphasised to me how easily our children can come in contact with a sex offender without our suspecting it. It is always said is most often someone you know and would not necessarily suspect – and this is very true (it is only after the fact with the new knowledge that you can say I should have known, but at the time all seems innocent).
We are often on the look out for the creepy person where it is the ‘normal’ person who is creepy.