Earth Babies Blog

Posts Tagged ‘Parenting’

This is not a rehash of the age old debate, but rather the thoughts of a mom who struggles to be all she expects of herself. I read this article someone linked to on twitter about smacking lowering IQ and it got me thinking – smacking article

If only it were as simple as a decision and that was all it took, but like with most things on the parenting journey it is not that simple. My reasons for not wanting to smack don’t really matter but some that spring to mind are I really like the idea of trying things that might teach my child a future skill and the ability to handle situations better next time. I do really feel like a hypocrite when I say don’t hit and yet some times I do. I don’t like that it invades their body space. I have however smacked both my kids before and it is not that I think the occasional smack is bad or that I even agree with the article, it was just something I did not really wanted to do.

The big deal is not the smack, the big deal for me is that it represents my not coping as well as I had wanted to. I know a lot of people that can use a smack, not out of anger like me but, in a controlled way. The times I have done it are when I have just been so frustrated and overwhelmed that it was almost a reflex not controlled at all, in fact teetering on the brink of not being very controlled at all. Now for others it might be something else: shouting, moaning, being impatience, wherever – that thing you landed up doing that you said you would not do or the behaviour that you do not like in yourself that seems to surface more frequently than you would like.

I have learnt that this usually has so much more to do with me than it does with them. My stress, tiredness and issues that I am dealing with bubble over into my parenting and leave me often very far from the ideal that I had set for myself. It is also not about the method that you use but rather the way you do it. I think sometime words said in anger can hurt and damage a child more then a smack.

What I have learnt about myself:

- I need to get enough sleep, without it my ability to manage my temper reduces greatly.
- I need to have realistic ideas of that I and my kids can manage at any given time.
- I need time away from them to recharge so that when I am with them I can give them my all.
- I need alone time with each of them to bond on a closer and more personal level with each of them.
- I need a support system and part of that is me supporting other, as by feeling like I contribute to making others lives easier makes me feel worth while and I can accepting love and support in return.
- Counting to 10 is simple yet is still often a really good idea.
- Watch my breathing and how tense my muscles are, when I start getting annoyed or the kids are pushing my buttons, just relaxing my jaw taking a deep breath and relaxing my shoulders can help avoid a huge conflict.
- Remember that I am the example to them of how to deal with frustration and anger, and while a smack might work now, it is not a skill they can use as an adult in a stressful situation.
- Be a good enough parent and accept I will never be perfect
- Be kind to myself, messing up is a given but guilt does not help me or them. This does not mean that I just have to give in and accept my short fallings it means making sure my ideals for myself are realistic and when I fail to see if there are things that I could have done differently.
Always be willing to learn and open to change.

I will add to this list as I think of more things, and in another blog I will try cover REALLY practical tips of things help when dealing with kids. Again I am not saying that a smack is always wrong, sometimes it might feel warranted, but for those like me that would like to limit these times I want to find some other ways that might help us cope. I have read a lot of books on more gentle discipline approaches and so often the theory is wonderful but in practice it does not go as smoothly.

Do you as a parent ever struggle with not meeting the expectations you had of yourself?

I did not have a good night last night, thus the topic on my mind. It seems sleep is one of the main things that parents obsess about. My husband is currently working away from home and when we chat, our sleep from the previous night is one of the first topics of conversation – me being envious of his 3 nights a week un-child interrupted sleep and his I suppose being envious of us all sleeping in HIS bed (there is no bed like home they say).

I am one of those parents other new parents hate when they ask – “So when did they start sleeping through?” (the most common question asked by and of new parents).
Both my babies were absolute angels and slept ‘through’ (a solid 8-10 hours a night from about 6 weeks).
Rafe would go to sleep at about 11pm and sleep till 7am then wake for a feed and then we would sleep together till about 9am (Heaven, a well rested mom).
Kara would go to sleep at about 7pm (great some quality adult time not too late could be had), and sleep till around 4am then wake for a feed and then we would nap till about 6am – also good a nice earlier start to the day. Life with babies was all good.

BUT here is the twist in the tail. Both my children started waking more often the older they got – so where we got great sleep before, we are now getting very interrupted and sometimes little sleep … it is all a process though. I may moan about it, be grouchy on some days and have hissy-fits some nights when Kara decides at 2am we must get up now, but it is not something I would specifically try and change. They have their reasons for waking and needing to be close and if we give them what they need now maybe by 20+ they will be able to sleep on their own … or find a new bedpartner to kick awake.

We have some great articles on our site regarding sleep solutions – FAQ’s regarding sleep provided by Erica Neser and a range from the No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley so if sleeplessness is really getting you down and you need some perspective and tips on how to improve things read these as a starting point.

Erica Neser is a South African author of Sleep Guide for Babies and Toddlers – I read her first release which was a slim guide, very easy to read for a sleep deprived mom and I got through it in a night. I liked it as it gave me immediate answers and also put into perspective that it was me (pre the 6 week onward sleep bliss) that had a sleep problem and not my baby. She touches on all the sleep solution approaches out there – some i personally would not use or encourage – but she does approach them all with the focus of being gentle, realistic and loving towards your baby which I liked.

Erica Neser Sleep Guide

Elizabeth Pantley is the author of a wonderful range of ‘No Cry’ parenting books – specifically The No Cry Sleep Solution – loved this book though I did read it when I no longer felt I had a problem and was not feeling so sleep deprived – it is a bit of a longer read but an approach to ’sleep training’ that i feel happy with and recommend this approach above all others when asked.

Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution

I think most people realise the magnitude of becoming a parent, and the responsibility – the lifetime significance of it. We think about it from our own point of view and imagine our children growing older and how that will affect us and all realize that even 30+years down the line they will still be our baby and we will still be their mom/dad.

Have you ever sat down and thought of it from their side, how big a part you are of who they are. Think about your own parents how even all grown up and living your life you still need them. I never imagined that my own children would never get to love or be loved by my own parents – that ‘taken for granted’ was intricately woven into my dream of a family and children of my own.

My parents died in 2002 I was 27, married, working and already been out of the house and ‘independant’ for 10 years. I had been in hostel so from std 4 till std 9 I only saw them week-ends. In std 9 they moved to Zimbabwe but I chose to stay at the school I knew in South Africa so from there I only saw them holidays, once studying and then working we saw each other 2 or 3 times a year – sometimes more when they would climb in the car on a Friday and drive 1000km to surprise us on our birthdays or simply to take us out to supper on the Saturday evening and then drive the 1000km back home on the Sunday.

The distance and erratic time together never changed anything though, they were still my parents, I still needed them and depended on them to be my ‘safe place’ even if only in voice over the phone. I knew everyday that they were there thinking about us and loving us.

They have been gone for 7 years now you would think after all this time I would have stopped feeling that need to hear their voice and just feel safe and ‘home’ again – I haven’t though, that feeling is just as strong today as it was when I was a child.
I did not speak openly about what was going on in my life with my parents, they were never my confidante, they were never the ones I felt I could tell anything to BUT they were the place I knew I could always go to feel loved, protected and accepted just as I am. They knew when I was not at my best but never pushed for answers or tried to fix things or pushed me in any direction that they felt would be best for me. They were simply there for me quietly supportive and loving and understanding..

What got my train of thought going in this direction (apart from needing to hear their voice) – last night a friend’s husband stopped at my gate to quickly pick something up and when I asked how he was his answer was ‘Not so good today’, his father had had a stroke and died and that large, strong, older man stood there tears in his eyes looking broken at the loss of a parent.

A child no matter how old remains the child to a parent – not only in the eyes of the parent but also in the heart of the child.

The subject of sex offenders against children has come up a few times in a matter of weeks, which has had me thinking deeper on the subject ongoing and evolving. I am not going to reinvent the wheel and retype things that have already been said but rather ask you to take a little time to read these blog posts and then I would love to hear what your thoughts on the subject are.

Jozikids – How much freedom should we give our kids
Harassed Mom – Too often we give children answers to remember rather than problems to solve. (related to the 1st)
Kiddies Corner – Sex Offenders Registry

I have recently had it re-emphasised to me how easily our children can come in contact with a sex offender without our suspecting it. It is always said is most often someone you know and would not necessarily suspect – and this is very true (it is only after the fact with the new knowledge that you can say I should have known, but at the time all seems innocent).
We are often on the look out for the creepy person where it is the ‘normal’ person who is creepy.

The most important thing she’d learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.
– Jill Churchill

Every mother will understand that feeling that you are failing at being a good mother in those moments where you cannot handle one more cry, scream, bicker, whinge, repetition, touch etc … and then the guilt sets in. Why do we feel this is it society pressure, personal pressure, keeping up appearances? I dont strive to be a perfect mother, I am too imperfect for that but I do hope, try and pray I am a good one …

This week I felt my ultimate fail at being a good mom – after bath time I was massaging olive oil into my son (almost 5yrs) very dry legs and he wanted to know why I was doing that. So feeling a little ‘Hansel & Gretel’ish I told him he was nice and fattened up now so it was time to cook him so I was just putting the oil on to get him ready ………… he started to cry ….. BAD MOMMY he actually believed I would cook and eat him!! Where is the trust that I love him and will always look after him!?

These illustrations came from: Grimm, Jacob and Wilhelm. The Fairy Tales of the Brothers Grimm. Mrs. Edgar Lucas, translator. Arthur Rackham, illustrator. London: Constable & Company Ltd, 1909.

Their dad has an after bath little wrapped in a towel ritual where Rafe is his boerewors and Kara is a skaapworsie and he plays he is going to put them in the oven … lots of giggles but obviously mom will really do it *sigh* it sucks always being the bad guy.

Kara (2½yrs) did offer to be the sacrificial lamb – she hates being left out of a cook up lol.
So back to the drawing board on how to be a good mom – 1st lesson no jokes about cooking if you are the witch in the story.

Related to yesterdays blog about touch and bonding I came across this article about touch between teachers and pupils. It is a well written article that gets you thinking.

The importance of physical touch in a school environment

Would love to hear your thoughts on this subject, how do you feel about physical contact from your child’s educators … or lack thereof? Would a no contact rule be beneficial to our children or like me do you think that we would be damaging and disadvantaging our children in the long run all in the interest of keeping them safe from the risk of inappropriate touch.

I have always had a personal rule to trust my children’s innate instinct and to never force them to greet an adult they don’t want to. It is embarrassing at times and I have found myself being apologetic or trying to cover up what is perceived as rudeness but have recently again had this highlighted to me – if your child does not want to greet or have contact with an adult you need to respect that desire irrespective of who that person is – your child has their reasons and that instinct to stay away is what will keep them safe if you respect and nurture it.