Earth Babies Blog

This is not a rehash of the age old debate, but rather the thoughts of a mom who struggles to be all she expects of herself. I read this article someone linked to on twitter about smacking lowering IQ and it got me thinking – smacking article

If only it were as simple as a decision and that was all it took, but like with most things on the parenting journey it is not that simple. My reasons for not wanting to smack don’t really matter but some that spring to mind are I really like the idea of trying things that might teach my child a future skill and the ability to handle situations better next time. I do really feel like a hypocrite when I say don’t hit and yet some times I do. I don’t like that it invades their body space. I have however smacked both my kids before and it is not that I think the occasional smack is bad or that I even agree with the article, it was just something I did not really wanted to do.

The big deal is not the smack, the big deal for me is that it represents my not coping as well as I had wanted to. I know a lot of people that can use a smack, not out of anger like me but, in a controlled way. The times I have done it are when I have just been so frustrated and overwhelmed that it was almost a reflex not controlled at all, in fact teetering on the brink of not being very controlled at all. Now for others it might be something else: shouting, moaning, being impatience, wherever – that thing you landed up doing that you said you would not do or the behaviour that you do not like in yourself that seems to surface more frequently than you would like.

I have learnt that this usually has so much more to do with me than it does with them. My stress, tiredness and issues that I am dealing with bubble over into my parenting and leave me often very far from the ideal that I had set for myself. It is also not about the method that you use but rather the way you do it. I think sometime words said in anger can hurt and damage a child more then a smack.

What I have learnt about myself:

- I need to get enough sleep, without it my ability to manage my temper reduces greatly.
- I need to have realistic ideas of that I and my kids can manage at any given time.
- I need time away from them to recharge so that when I am with them I can give them my all.
- I need alone time with each of them to bond on a closer and more personal level with each of them.
- I need a support system and part of that is me supporting other, as by feeling like I contribute to making others lives easier makes me feel worth while and I can accepting love and support in return.
- Counting to 10 is simple yet is still often a really good idea.
- Watch my breathing and how tense my muscles are, when I start getting annoyed or the kids are pushing my buttons, just relaxing my jaw taking a deep breath and relaxing my shoulders can help avoid a huge conflict.
- Remember that I am the example to them of how to deal with frustration and anger, and while a smack might work now, it is not a skill they can use as an adult in a stressful situation.
- Be a good enough parent and accept I will never be perfect
- Be kind to myself, messing up is a given but guilt does not help me or them. This does not mean that I just have to give in and accept my short fallings it means making sure my ideals for myself are realistic and when I fail to see if there are things that I could have done differently.
Always be willing to learn and open to change.

I will add to this list as I think of more things, and in another blog I will try cover REALLY practical tips of things help when dealing with kids. Again I am not saying that a smack is always wrong, sometimes it might feel warranted, but for those like me that would like to limit these times I want to find some other ways that might help us cope. I have read a lot of books on more gentle discipline approaches and so often the theory is wonderful but in practice it does not go as smoothly.

Do you as a parent ever struggle with not meeting the expectations you had of yourself?

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